Are you thinking of joining deviantART, but are not sure what to do? Have you come to this guide after meeting your first dilemna: What to call yourself?

Well here’s the answer: Who cares?! If you’re female, it should be ‘pink’ + your name + a few random numbers. If you’re male, it should be ‘gamer’ + your name + ‘666’ [or if that’s already taken, a few random numbers]. Or perhaps you’re going to be boring, and actually think about what you call yourself. Whatever happens, within half an hour, you’ll be joined up to deviantART.

30 minutes up? Keep reading!

So you’ve joined the largest online art community on the internet, but where to go from here? Well, the first thing that must be clarified is that you DON’T need to get popular. That comes later. What you need first is devious friends, because – from the moment you join – you’re officially classified as a complete and utter loner. Until you prove otherwise.

Gaining Friends

It has been proved that the best way of establishing friends is by forcing them to like you. How to do this? Guilt. Make the bastards guilty, and they’ll do anything. They might even give you a subscription [which gives you increased areas of deviantART to explore, plus enhanced features].

The quickest and easiest way to use the guilt trick to gain friends is to log onto dAmn, deviantART’s messaging network. The best browser to do this with is firefox, but I’m presuming that – as you haven’t yet proved yourself, and are thus a complete loner – you’re being completely retarded and using internet explorer. Join a chat with as many people in as possible, I recommend dAmn’s official chatroom, #devart.

The FIRST thing you have to do as you enter the chat is SCREAM the following:

“OMG HAY GUYZ I JUS JOINED DEVIUNTART!!!!111! LOL!”

Done that? Good. Someone will immediately target you as prime meat for flaming [flaming: internet equivalent of insulting] and will reply with something like this:

“Shut up.”

Are you going to take that? Are you really going to take that? No, you’ve only just joined and you’re going to show ~innocentbystander what for! I mean, why do they think they’re so great? They’ve only got four deviations!

“OHMIGODIHATEYOU!!1”, you shout.

Oh, but wait. You need to make them your friend. First thing to do? Go to their page, and apologise for being so rude in #devart. Then, apologise to them in the chat. THEN, to make them feel really bad that they told you to shut up, you should even make a journal on your page explaining what happened and apologising about the incident.

What are they going to say now?

“Haha. Apology accepted.”

The chat should then carry on like this: [just for reality’s sake, your username is represented with ‘desperate’]

<innocentbystander> Haha. Apology accepted.
<desperate> God!
<innocentbystander> …what did I do now?
<desperate> oh no! soree! I ment good!
<innocentbystander> … silly! =p
<desperate> hehe, surry, I’m dxslecix!
<innocentbystander> You mean you’re dyslexic?
<desperate> yeh LOL!
<innocentbystander> hehe
<desperate> will you be my friend?

This is the vital point. What you’ve done so far is that you’ve made up a complete lie, and then – with an already awkward atmosphere- leaped in with the question “will you be my friend?”. This person is now already feeling guilty for telling you to shut up when you’re dyslexic (or so you say), so what can they really say to you now besides ‘OK’?

Exactly.

The conversation ensues:

<innocentbystander> … ehm, yeah. Sure?
<desperate> Yay! THANKY OUU! You’re my first friend!

At this point, quickly go to innocent bystander’s dA page and click ‘watch this deviant’ on the top right of the page. Obviously, you don’t have to untick any of the boxes on the ‘friends management’ page, because dear old innocent bystander isn’t even very active!

Next, leave the chat quickly! You don’t want to give ~innocentbystander a chance to circumnavigate your trick by replying with something that excuses them from watching you back!

Two days later, you should find that you have finally found a friend on deviantART - with the first message in your messages; “~innocentbystander has added you to their friends list”.

Repeat this friend scrounging business once a day, and you’ll have over 20 friends in no time!

CONGRATULATIONS! With over 20 friends that can’t even remember who you are, you’ve been promoted from “desperate” to “forgettable”!

But where to go from here? That’s right… at the moment, you have no deviations!

Gaining Deviations

First off, see if you have anything vaguely artistic lurking in the depths of your computer. Of course, it’ll mostly be forgettable, but that doesn’t matter. After all, what’s the point in uploading something you’re actually proud of? Someone might steal it and post it on 1000 other sites, claiming it’s theirs. In fact, why should you upload anything you’ve done in the past?

Open up Microsoft Word, or a similar program. You are about to learn the beauty of poetry, in five seconds flat, with no help at all from a word checker. Remember to purposely make grammar and spelling mistakes, because you’re dyslexic - You don’t want your ‘friends’ getting too curious, and generating the absurd that you were lying about your dyslexia, do you?!

Right. Poetry. Here’s a few things you should know about how to quickly, and easily, manufacture a poem:  


1. Love is the easiest subject for poetry.

2. Rhyming is easier than not rhyming. Especially if it barely rhymes.

3. Cliché, cliché, cliché. Use Google or an appropriate search engine to bring up one of those beautiful things: A list of clichés. Include as many as possible in your poem.

4. People always tell you to be short, and sweet, but why listen to them?! It’s actually a lot harder writing compacted poetry, so you need to just write down whatever comes to you, as it comes to you, and edit as little as possible!

5. Repeat lines whenever you feel like it – but make sure there’s no definite structure to the repetitions!


So, that’s it! What to do now? Start writing! Here’s an example poem:

I lie undarneaf the quilt of are love,
And it is warm,
I see you and you are my love,
And it is warm.

In winter tym when I are cold,
I will run over to you, bald,
Like a monk with a shaved head because it was summer,
And I like to copy sheep,
And I will declare to you my love.

And then in summer when it’s warm again,
After I has shaved my head again,
And it is warm,
I will declare to you my love.

And then it might rain on one day,
Even though it is summar,
And you will warm me
Undarneaf the quilt of are love.
And I won’t care wat it is raining,
Because the quilt is quite hot now.

And there you have it: A terrible poem. But who cares if it’s terrible? It only took you about two minutes, and in your busy, busy life of deviantART attention gathering, time is of the essence!

You’ve got the poem, now to the fun part: uploading it! The quickest way to the upload screen is through the link at the top right of your userpage, or in the menu to the right of the main deviantART page. However, if you’re just way too excited and keen to upload your first deviation to go to the places suggested above, the following link should take you to your upload page: Click HERE.

Create a title for the deviation – I recommend something fairly generic, such as “x--_-LOVE-_--X”. In the artists comments, mention something about your dyslexia – this part is key. In the keywords section, put anything related to sex. That’s sure to pull in a few eager punters. Oh, and make sure you put the poem in a category – any category – besides the correct one!

Now for the big moment… hold your breath, and excitement, and click on “Upload”!

Wow, wasn’t that thrilling?!

All you have to do now is send all of your friends notes with notifications of the amazing new deviation that you’ve submitted!

_{[please note: That isn’t actually all that you have to do. It just sounds better.]}

Sending Notes

How to send a note? It’s easy. Simply click on ’20 messages’ at the top right of your userpage. You’ll be taken to the message centre screen. There are three tabs at the top of the screen: deviantWATCH, message centre, and notes. Click on the ‘notes’ tab, and… wow! How thrilling! A new screen. And guess what? This is the notes screen!

You should be able to see several things on this screen: ‘Inbox: 0’, ‘Sent Messages: 0’, and a ‘send a devious note’ title. Underneath this last title, is a recipients box, a subject box, and a message box. (Why am I telling you all of this? It’s on the screen in front of you anyway, right? Well, I’m presuming you’re stupid. Is that OK? Good boy/girl/thing!)

In the ‘recipients’ box, type in the names of all of the people that you want to receive the note – In this case, this is all of your watchers. If you don’t know who your watchers are by now, you’re truly a failure. So, type in the names of your twenty watchers in the ‘recipients’ box, remembering to put a space in-between each name [but no comma]. If they don’t all fit, you might have to send more than one note!

In the subject box, put “NOO DEVIASHUN!”.

In the message box, put a dyslexic message saying that you’ve got a new deviation up, as well copying and pasting (do you know how to do that?) the link of the deviation.

Click “send note” – There’s no point in reviewing the note before sending it. It takes way too much time, and it’s not as if you can make THAT many mistakes anyway.

Receiving Angry Notes and Losing Watchers

Don’t worry. You’ll live. Nineteen of your twenty watchers have stopped watching you because of your terrible deviation and annoying note, but that doesn’t matter. You’ve still got ~innocentbystander as a victim! Oh, and they’ve also been foolish enough to favourite X--_-LOVE-_--X as well as leaving a comment, saying it’s brilliant for a dyslexic person that seems fairly retarded!

Not so innocent a bystander after all, if they think that’s the best you can do, eh?!

People are so presumptuous these days…Why should you keep up this fake retarded dyslexia? It’s time to set the record straight, and let out your secret!

Receiving Angry Notes and Losing Watchers

Oh, shit. ~innocentbystander didn’t take the news too well. It’s back to square two for you, I’m afraid.  

Oh no! You’ve been demoted from “forgettable” to “pathetically desperate”!

You need to redeem yourself, and you need to do it quick. It’s time to do something tiring, despicable, and impolite. It’s time to resort to spam.

You need to think hard about what message to spam, and how to spam it. I suggest commenting “Oh, your work is wonderful” on as many pages as you can – starting with those that have the highest amount of pageviews, or those that are most popular.

A few tips you need to make sure you follow:

1) Don’t make your message offensive
2) Don’t spam Admins pages
3) Don’t spam Gallery Directors pages
4) Don’t spam other dA staff pages
5) Don’t spam for more than half an hour at a time, start off by just spamming one person a day.

Got that? Good! GOGOGO! Come back to this guide in a day!

One day over? Good!

Wow! You’ve got a new message in your message centre! Click on the link to your message centre, and cross your fingers that you’ve got yourself a new watcher.

What does it say?

“Comment on $moonbeam13”?

Oh, you stupid shit. I knew you were bloody retarded. /

Click on the ‘comment’ link. Read it. And again – this might be the last time you see something on dA, before being banned. You might already be on the way to bandom anyway – soon, you’ll have a nice little exclamation mark next to your name. YOU STUPID SHIT.

“Please, don’t spam my page with insults entirely unrelated to my work. You are obviously not very experienced on the website, I recommend that you try to read all of the FAQs on spam, and deviantART’s etiquette policy. For now, I am going to ignore this piece of spam because it’s obviously only the first you have done (yes, I did check your ‘activity’), but I don’t expect to see it again. I’ve recommended that someone keep an eye on you. Oh, and if you do spam again, then I suggest you don’t do it to the head of the Artist Relations team on deviantART.”

OH MY GOODNESS. You lucky stupid shit, you!

I guess we better give up on the spamming idea, lest you get yourself banned. You’re obviously not the brightest spark in the artistic race for attention, so we’ll have to take a more sensible route from now on.

Regaining Friends

The forum calls.

You haven’t even introduced yourself to a wide range of victims yet – maybe that’s why you’ve only got 30 pageviews? Create a thread in the ‘introduce yourself’ section – Oh, and don’t type as if you’re dyslexic any more. In case you didn’t notice, we’ve stopped doing that already.

You don’t need to include any personal information. No one will actually care about you anyway, you’re just a platform to help them get noticed for being kind, and welcoming everyone to deviantART – but you can use them too!

So, by now you should’ve posted an introductory thread in the introductions sub-forum of the forum. Don’t expect a reply for a good hour, and when you get it, be aware that it’s most likely going to be a copy and pasted one. However, when you do get a reply, reply to the person that sent it with ‘thanks for the introduction, it’s much appreciated. Can we be friends?’

If they reply with a ‘yes’, watch them. If they don’t reply, or reply with something that is basically a ‘no’, then ignore them. They’re obviously bastards.

That’s your first few posts in the forum down. Let’s post some more, eh? Just randomly post in various sub-forums, with a fairly generic reply to the subject of the thread. Your amount of pageviews will increase in no time. And by no time, I mean a week or two.

You can multitask, right? Good. Whilst your pageviews are slowly creeping up, you need to occupy your time with something useful. Here’s a suggestion: Participate in some contests.

Participating in Contests

Click your way to the news tab, then to the contests section.

Find the news article that has the least number of favourites, and that is about literature (you’re already a master of poetry, after all, and you shouldn’t make things harder than they need to be). The reason that the news article should contain as few favourites (loves) as possible is that the less favourites there are, the less entries there are, and thus the more of a chance you have of winning.

Open it up. Read it. Check the theme.

I’m presuming that it’s a theme that requires you to write something about romance (again? Yes! Why? Because I’m lazy and can’t be bothered to explain how to write any other genre of poetry), plus that there is a set guideline of 40 lines for poetry. You already know how to write poetry, right? Or have you forgotten that? If you have, go check out what it says up there. (At this stage, you’re required to use a thing called your imagination. Yeah, that’s right, you have to think. What you have to imagine is that I’m pointing to where you have to go and read – Just to help your imagination, I look a bit like medusa, but entirely different).  

Here’s an example poem, I suggest you replace it with your own and make sure it’s incredibly clichéd – remember, that’s easier. If you want, you can leave a comment on this guide with your competition entry included, and I’ll make sure it’s suitably terrible for you before you enter it into an unpopular competition (remember: unpopular = less entries = less competition).

When I was sixteen, I was on my way to meet you,
At seventeen, I got there, and with that I got you too,
But at eighteen, well, you left me and went off with someone else,
When you left me, I left all my cares,
I left my former self.

And then I wept.
I cried my days until,
I thought I heard you near,
I sat down upon park benches,
Waiting for you to interfere,
I went out skating at a park quite close,
Tried to bump right into you,
But you were no-where that I could see,
I was left with a dull view.

And then I wept.
I went on home and found no crinkles in my bed,
No sign that you’d been there before,
And my heart filled with dread.
I had left my very body in an attempt to find you,
But after leaving, you didn’t come back,
And I was stuck with craving food.

And then I wept,
Because my hope was stuck with mere preservatives
Instead of the real meal,
And then I slept,
But when I woke up, there was no remorse in me,
For I know I’ll love you always,
And I know I need to see
Just a glimpse of you, and I’ll be fine,
But I am sure that I won’t.
I’ll stick to my faux crème doughnut instead of my chocolate fondant.

Okay, I admit that wasn’t exactly terrible, but you get the idea. Maybe I’m just too good to write bad?

Why not to laugh at arrogance

Some people, like myself, have every right to be arrogant. Now shut up, you little twerp, before I come over there and stick my finger in your eye. You’re distracting me from writing this guide.

How to accept losing, or come to terms with winning, a competition

Okay, this section might get a little confusing. What I’m going to do here is to presume that you’ve entered more than won one competition – I’ll pretend that you’ve entered two.

You lost the first competition, and were the only entrant. Your entry was simply too pathetic to be rewarded. You received a note from the host saying exactly that. Hardly surprising, really, is it?

The second competition, you won with flying colours. Sure, the host of the competition could barely read a word of English and only awarded your competition the status of winner because they liked your inclusion of the word ‘poo’, but the fact is still that you won the competition.

However, before I talk about how to attract attention in the case of winning a competition, here’s what not to say when you lose a competition:

“Thanks loads for hosting the competition, it’s a shame I didn’t win, but it’s obvious that I didn’t deserve to given the rest of the awesome entries. Congratulations those who placed, as well as all who participated!”

Now, how would saying that help you attract attention? It wouldn’t, right? Right. You need to say something entirely the opposite to what is written above. I suggest something like the following:

“OH MY GOD YOU BLOODY FOOL! Why did I not win? I was BLATANTLY the best entry. Hell, I even included the word ‘ugly’ in my entry, maybe that didn’t entice you into saying I win because THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE? HAHA. YEAH. So anyway, just shut up and learn what real writin’ is, dude. YOU NEED LESSONS! FUCK YOU LOL!”

There, that should do the trick. It’s a combination of elegance, grace, and being a complete prick. And that…that is one of the key elements of attention attracting.

In the competition you won, surely you can’t complain at the fact someone was stupid enough to choose your entry above all the rest? Actually, you can. Sure, you may secretly be gloating inside, but on the outside you need to appear like the complete prick we’ve just shaped you into being. How should you take winning, then? Here’s a quick example:

“WHAT THE FUCK?! Why are there no decent prizes?! I DESERVE WAY MORE THAN THAT! Yeesh. Why are you purposely only giving me what you can afford?! WHY?! I’m blatantly the king of you all, so where’s my fucking diamonds? I only got a two year subscription, fifteen prints of a total value of $500 or less, and some fucking panda chibi commission. Oh, and that’s another thing! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT A COMMISSION?! I just won the competition, why would I want someone else with blatantly less skill than me doing something that I could do a lot better, resulting in my completely forgetting the commission was even done?!  YEESH.

_{This doesn’t mean I don’t want the prizes. You can shove your commission up your panda fucking arse, though.}”





… I’ll leave you to figure out how that might attract attention.

CONGRATULATIONS! With over fifty pageviews, several new friends from the forum – who are unaware how much of a prick you are – a two year subscription, fifteen prints, no diamonds, and a slowly building crowd of people waiting to stab you when you step outside of your house, you’ve now been promoted from “desperately pathetic” to “disliked”!

[Please note: If you receive notes from angry people telling you that ‘you’re so not kawaii!’ then don’t you worry your stupid cotton socks off, they’re only being hypocrites.]

Okay. You might’ve been promoted, but you’re not well known enough yet to reach your full potential. It’s time to up the game. It’s time to create multiple accounts.

Creating Multiple Accounts

That’s right. Even though you currently only have three deviations – X-_--LOVE--_-X, and your two competition entries – and 57 pageviews, you need to start creating multiple accounts. Why? Well, it’s quite simple really. The more accounts that you have, the more hating and flaming you can embark on, and so the better known your name will become. After all, five differently named accounts are less likely to be banned than one – and if you have four of your five accounts banned, you’ve still got one account as a back-up! What could be better?!  (That was a rhetorical question. I didn’t actually want to know that you prefer eating sun dried pigeon droppings).

So, I’m presuming you’re going to follow my suggestion of five different accounts. Now, as all of your deviations so far are literature, you can only really create one extension of your account that is based on the style of deviation that you submit – this is obviously a literature account. What to call the account? Just use your username + ‘lit’.

The three other accounts should all just be random names – perhaps from a random letter/number generator.

You can then use these accounts to flame and praise people, or competitions. You should publish a journal on each of your accounts linking back to your original account – anyone that goes on one of your extensions is sure to click back to your main page, potentially increasing your pageview count!

Wow, you truly are devious, eh?  

Publishing Journals

I know I’ve mentioned journals already, but they’re particularly key in this stage of the guide. After all, being entirely stupid, you need my advice on what to put in your journals!

I’ll leave you to figure out how to get to the journal submission page. If you really want a hint, go ask ~wiseoldman. They know all. (AND they have women and money!)

Anyway, I stray away from the point of the day: You need a lesson in journal bitching.

That’s right, in your journal, you have to purposely call out a deviant for something that’s perfectly innocent, giving absurd reasons for doing so. You need to use this journal on your original account, because – as I’ve already said – all of the other four accounts should link back to this main account.

Journal bitching is really fairly self-explanatory, but I think you need an example to base your bitching on. Here’s one!

MASKEDKILLER SET LOOSE ON DEVIANTART

That’s right, deviantART has recently been invaded by a voracious scum that calls himself =MaskedVengeance. He is of a most despicable variety, similar to that of panda chibi artists and people that think I’m not kawaii – I’ve heard rumours that he even likes to eat cereal in the morning, his socks smell after they’re dipped in a used toilet, and he often likes to have showers. Now, this just isn’t acceptable. DeviantART CAN’T be allowed to permit this kind of person. It’s just SICK. No, wait, it’s not just sick, it’s downright disgusting.

I’ve also seen that he’s stealing other people’s language. For example, in a recent guide of his he included imitations of the word ‘exciting’ through the use of word ‘thrilling’, and ‘stupid’. Now, this just ISN’T acceptable. The English language wasn’t created for tossing about like a hamster in a frying pan. THAT’S JUST WRONG.

If you agree with what I’m saying, help me by suggesting someone OTHER THAN =MASKEDVENGEANCE’S WORK as a daily deviation. That’s sure to work!

Or, if that fails, tell him that HIS HAIR IS SLIGHTLY MESSY. Seriously, that would piss him off to no end. I know it would piss me off if I were in his position! HAHA!

THANKS! LOVE YOU! _{You idiots. -_-}

If that doesn’t provoke a reaction, then you’re pretty screwed! However, the likeliness of a journal like the one above not provoking a reaction, given your previous role setting as a stupid prick, is very low. Before, whilst, and after publishing your journal, remember to continue posting on the forum and entering competitions, because you don’t want to lag behind in the schedule!

CONGRATULATIONS! With your not-so-newly found bitchiness exposed to the world, you’ve progressed from “disliked” to “mucho bitcho”!

You’re well on your way to becoming the most hated deviant on the site, though one that gains a lot of attention – Your journal has made it onto the ‘today’ page! This means that if deviants click on this tab, as well as being able to see very recent comments and favourites, plus a member that has been awarded ‘deviousness’ (of which you have plenty, you devious little squirrel), the deviants will be able to see the first part of your journal! This is sure to increase your pageviews to no end! Just wait three days, and I bet that they’ll be well over 1000!

Three days is over already? How time flies! Read on!

You’ve suddenly got 1337 pageviews! Wow! That’s so amazing that virtual tears are welling up inside my ever so beautiful (remember what I said about arrogance?) eyes. You must be succeeding if you’ve got that many pageviews in such little time! Maybe this guide actually has good advice in it?!

The Amount of Truth on the Internet

Before you progress even further in your quest for devianttention, let me warn you of this one thing: Not everything that people say is 100% true. In fact, I’m fairly sure that 100% of what people on the internet say is not 100% true. Let that be a lesson.

Oh, and you’d be right in thinking that the above paragraph isn’t 100% true. Or is that a lie?
Who cares? I guess the question that I’m trying to ask is: How have you managed to read through all of this so far? Seriously, it’s not exactly short. If you’ve read this line, then include the phrase “violins play keyboards better than I can” in the comment you’re going to put at the bottom of the deviation. Think of it as a social test within a social advice session.

/ban interlude – i.e …remember the section about dAmn (a.k.a ‘gaining friends’) at the top of this guide? Well, it’s coming back to haunt you. That’s right, your attention seeking is about to be taken to whole new, absurd levels.

How To Be Banned From Every Single Chatroom on DeviantART

Hopefully you’ve already grasped the concept of being an insensitive prick by now. You should also be able to remember what I said about spam. Let’s combine the two in a melee as spectacular as a single firework being let loose in a pair of spare teeth, whilst they’re in someone’s mouth. That’s pretty damn spectacular a combination.

How to make the spam so spectacular? It has to be original. None of this nonsense of posting “the mods of this chatroom SUCK!!1 LOL!” over and over again. That’s plain annoying, and it won’t get you attention - it’ll simply get you banned from deviantART. No, what we have to do is advertise your latest literature contest entry, asking people how to improve it. The spammy part of this is the way in which we are going to do it.

Say the following is your poem:

When I’m standing in the shower,
Then I have got all the power,
I’m imagining what you think of me.

When I get up in the morning,
I yell out to you “it’s dawn, thing!”
I’m imaging you singing back to me.

When I’m constipated as an ostrich,
And my smelly shit is stuck thick,
I’m imagining you shouting encouragement through the door.

When the kettle is on but I’m too lazy to make tea,
And somebody on Corrie just died, she was called Natalie,
I imagine you, kind hearted and noble, making the tea for me.

Then you should copy and paste the above poem into a chat. Then, you should (in capitals) ask for help. Then again, with different phrasing. Then, you should say that you really need help. And so on. You should soon be banned from the chatroom.

Make your way to the next one on the list, and start the process again. You might be being banned from a lot of chatrooms, but you are still more likely to be warned away from doing the spamming that being banned – because your motives could be seen as entirely innocent.

IMPORTANT: DON’T SPAM THE CHATROOMS WITH YOUR ORIGINAL ACCOUNT. THIS ACCOUNT MUST REMAIN ENTIRELY ‘CLEAN’.

If any of your accounts do get banned, just use a different one!

This process should indirectly increase the amount of pageviews on your original account by a lot. You should gain at least 100 pageviews from posting in, and getting banned from, the top ten most popular chatrooms on deviantART.

Wow! Somehow, three deviants that must have randomly stumbled across your page have decided to watch you – probably because they’ve seen the incredible increase in your pageviews in such a short amount of time. You do realise what that means? It means that a few crazy people are now giving you attention as soon as they pass your page, without you even flaming them! You’ve managed to set the snowball rolling, and are thus being promoted from “mucho bitcho” to “petit snowball”!


You’re rapidly increasing in the amount of attention you’re receiving on deviantART. You need to celebrate – you’re so well established in such a short amount of time that it’s really becoming big news. Why not celebrate through the news system?!

Generating Ideas for a News Article

Isn’t it amazing how much there is to do on deviantART?  

No, it’s not. That’s why it’s become the largest art community on the internet – variety. However, I get the strange feeling deep down in my ravenous belly that the news system may be your very last stand. It’s a system that can communicate to a huge portion of deviants – the active ones. ALL of them. All recent <3’d  (‘loved’, ‘favourited’, or ‘hearted’) news articles on deviantART are shown on the pages of the deviants who love the articles. This then means that people visiting these deviants pages can click on a direct link to your news article, and read it. This means that, unlike deviations and journals, you’re likely to get one hell of a lot of people reading the article you’re soon to post. Provided that people favourite it.

For a news article to become visible under the news tab, they need ten or more <3s. Therefore, before you even start writing this article, you should guarantee that it’s going to get at least ten of those pretty little hearts by creating however many more accounts you need to reach an overall number of ten accounts, then – after posting the article – fav’ing it with all of your accounts.

Now to the actual article: What should it be about?

Well, there are many options available to you. You could create a news article featuring terrible drawings, or an article bitching about a certain area of people. You could even create an article about the increasing maturity of children, and then randomly insert a repetition of the word ‘fuck’ into it. However, all of those ideas are just too simple – and I want you to prove to me, for once, that being simple isn’t your style. No, you’re not as stupid as I once thought. Right?

As such, I’ll let you think of a suggestion.

You’ve got five seconds.
Four seconds.
Three seconds.
Two.
One.
Time’s up!

Congratulations! By proving you have more intelligence than a drunken mosquito attempting to bite through plastic, thinking that it’s skin, you’ve been promoted from the rank of “petit snowball” to “snowball”!

Producing a News Article and Submitting it to DeviantART

If your idea is, as you say, to write a news article about the disability of some people to show an imagination and inspiration through their work, and so them resorting to bullshit – and how, by doing the opposite to these people, you’ve developed a steadily increasing amount of pageviews (now at about 2007) – then I have to say that it’s not that bad an idea!

Now, as you seem to have this odd newfound independence, I don’t suppose I’ll advise you overly about how to construct your news article. I will, however, make these few points:

- Make sure the article is offensive to the majority of deviants.
- Make sure that it includes twisted logic and reasoning.
- Make sure that it calls out a minimum of one deviant for no logical reason.

I’ve also written an example article for you to peruse:

Why deviantART is turning into deviantHORSESHIT

DeviantART used to be brilliant. I’ve been here a whole few weeks and when I first joined, it was good. However, in the time afterwards, it’s turned into the biggest pile of horse crap this side of the internet. The reason for this? It’s not the admin team. I love them – mainly because they haven’t banned me yet. It’s not the style of the site. That looks more like polished pigeon droppings than horseshit. No, the problem is in the members. You’re all so un-fucking-inspired!

I mean, seriously, when I was pretending I was dyslexic when I first joined, I wrote something that was STILL awesome. It was, like, amazing, AND it got a favourite! How many people nowadays get a favourite on here? EXACTLY. I’m, like, at the top of the most popular list. As such, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that YOU SUCK.

Yes, I’m talking about you, the generic, uninspired little twat that thinks he’s cool because – OH – he can draw. Or maybe you can write. Maybe you know how to turn a camera on? I don’t care. What are you taking photos of? What are you drawing and writing about? STUFF.

And you know what? STUFF SUCKS. So whilst you stuff yourself with it, I’ll shove my stuff down your throat!

I’ve got an example fool to give to you: ~innocentbystander. She’s just so transparent! I mean, c’mon. When I was pretending to be dyslexic she was sympathetic and supported what I was pretending to be trying to do. However, as soon as I revealed that I’m a sadistic bastard and was actually just faking being dyslexic, she pretty much shoved a load of shit in my nostril and forced me to sneeze it out again – And with that, she stopped showing sympathy and stopped watching me. She forgot to remove the fav, though. HAH!

And that’s what you deserve, deviantART! A HUGE, MIGHTY ‘HAH’! Because you suck. You suck really badly. So after coping with my stuff down your throat, maybe you can spit it all out and run away crying, because that’s everything that you deserve to be doing.

You’re the members. You’re the ones that shape the community. And right now, I’m thinking that the community is shaped – as the title suggests – like a HUGE piece of HORSE SHIT.

How to change all of this? You all need to be a lot more like me, and a lot less like you.

Yes, I went there. I did that thing called ‘being honest’, and I guess that that thing is a thing that a lot of you members need to get. You need a little something called the ability to tell things as they are, no matter what the consequences. You need to be able to adapt and change according to what honest people say, even if it’s complete garbage. Why? Because those people are better than you. They make up the core of coolness, the heart of warmth, and the deadly disease that’ll kill you unless you cope with it and change to stop it. You need lessons in learning, because you’re so uninspired it’s stupid. You MUST ruin this community to make it better, and it’s people like me that are experts at that.

Is that OK with you, or are you all going to go running back to mummy, crying about how fucking honest someone was when they were told you YOU’RE SHIT.

YES, YOU’RE ALL FUCKING SHIT, and that’s coming from an attention whore - And attention whores are whores of attention because YOU NEED ATTENTION TO BE COOL. Now, pay attention: You need to change, and quickly. Heed my words, because I swear (fuck) that if you don’t, you might fall into your own foul end. ‘KAY?

OH, AND IF I GET ONE MORE PERSON TELLING ME I’M NOT ‘KAWAII’, I might SWEAR some more.




There. That seems fairly suitable…

To submit your article, go to the ‘news’ tab and click on ‘submit news’ on the top right. It’s fairly simple, really. The ‘submit news’ button might seem a bit small to you, but I’m sure that if you put on your glasses you’ll find it eventually. You can work out what to do from there, you independent snowball, you!

Go on, submit it!

Submitted? WOO! You rebel, you!

Congratulations! In submitting a news article very likely to get you banned, you’ve been promoted from “snowball” to “gullible fool”!

Realising You've Been Tricked

Yes, that’s right… You better count the seconds. You just fell into the web of a spider even more devious than you! In a few minutes, you’re banned! =D

“But…what? What’s happened?” I hear you cry! Well, I’ve been misleading you. If you’re an attention whore, there’s simply no place for you on deviantART. Fuck off somewhere else!

Oh, how I love seeing you squirm.

Tick tock, tick tock. Look at the hand on the clock. It seems to be moving incredibly quickly, doesn’t it? How long do you think it’ll be before you’re banned?

Yeah, not long at all. I agree.

Do you think there’s time for one more poem? Oh, go on then…

As the sun sets upon the city,
And the lights are down quite low,
I look up and I start crying,
Because, my love, I know
That in trusting you forever,
I made the gravest of mistakes,
For in trusting you forever,
I’m left pouring out my hate.
All you mentioned of my spamming,
About being devious and sly,
I believed it with my heart, but now
I find out that it’s a lie.

Bye bye!