literature

TERRIBLE: Naruto: The Story

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Chapter One: Love at First Sight

“Hi”, I said slowly and carefully. I didn’t know if she would be able to hear me, she had so much hair covering her ears it made me wonder if she had had a rat creep into them and die. She stank, too. Seriously, it was horrible.

“Hi”, she replied. Yeah, she had heard me. How nice.

“How are you?”, I asked her loudly, making sure that my lips moved up and down a lot more than they needed to. Maybe she really couldn’t hear me. Maybe she could lipread. Right?

“Shit.”, she replied. Yeah, I think it was definitely lipreading. Those ears were hairier than a feather duster with extra feather.

“Oh”, I said, “damn.” In fact, maybe it was a man. I wasn’t really sure. I guess the beard might’ve given something away. And the excess nose hair. Eww.

“Yeah”, he/she replied. Tell you what, I’ll call he/she an ‘it’. After all, it could’ve been an ape for all I could see. Ginger hair, too. And it was boring to talk to. But the face did seem somehow familiar… I recognised it from somewhere. Maybe… hmm…

“Have I seen you on TV before?”, I asked it. No reply. I asked louder: “Have I seen you on TV before?”

Still no answer. Maybe it was because I had my hand over my face so I didn’t have to look at it. I moved my hands.

“Have I seen you on TV before?” I asked for a third bloody time.

“Maybe”, was the reply, “Maybe not.”

“No, seriously… have I?”, I asked. I waited for a reply, then some more. Eventually, after some thinking, it said:

“YEAAAAAH BITCH! I’M MOTHER FUCKING NARUTO!!1”

I walked away. Fucking Naruto.

Chapter Two: Dream On…

A few days later, I saw Naruto again. On TV. Then I realized: “OMFG I JUST MET MOTHERFUCKING NARUTO WTF WAS I THINKING RUNNING AWAY WHEN I JUST MET NARUTO AND WHY THE FUCK AM I THINKING IN CAPS?!”

So then, I decided to go to bed. And guess what? I saw Naruto in my dream, which was handily in bad poem form. And I dreamt it in italics. Handy. Here’s the dream:

Sasuke met Naruto,
Said “Oh, hi, I don’t know
Quite how to pronounce your name,
Which seems like a real shame.”

So Naruto, he replied
“Oh, it’s fine, because I lied.
My real name, it’s Dave,
And my profession? It’s to pave!

I pave roads and pavements, too.
AND NO I DON’T MEAN SIDEWALKS. I’m not American. I’m Japanese.
Anyway, you interrupted my flow.
Oh no.”


And that was my dream.

Oh, no, wait, there was a bit more, actually:

So Sasuke said “Okayyy…”
And walked away.

THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE AND WENT OUT WITH EACH OTHER FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND THEN REVERSED TIME AND THEN FORGOT EACH OTHER AND THEN SASUKE FELL IN LOVE WITH HARRY POTTER BECAUSE HE HAD HOT GLASSES UNTIL HE BROKE THEM WHILST RUNNING TO SASUKE LIKE THE CLICHÉ SCENE IN LOVE MOVIES FROM HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTERS.


And that really was my dream.

Chapter 3: The Filler Chapter

This chapter is here in order to not achieve anything except make this piece more impressive because it lengthens it by a few sentences. In fact, I’ll give up even trying to write proper English now. Here’s the bad fanfic I know you’ve all been waiting for:

Harry luvd snayp and they had schmex in da garden owtside the house wot harry grewed up in and den sonic an dat lot joined in then they had tea and it wuz well nyc becuz it had lots of tee bags in it and harry and snayp and sonic liked tea bagz cus they wuz well nyc. An den naruto appeared again an slaped harry cuz he got off wiv sasuke cuz sasuke thort he had hot glassiz an den after a clichey moovie sene harry left naruto, no, I meen sasuke which mayd sasuke well sad so she tried goin out wiv naruto again but he sed no because he thort she didn’t luv him no more and then he relised she did and he wunted to go owt wiv her but she sed no cuz he dusnt hav hot glarses and his eerz are tuu hairy.

Happy?

You didn’t read it?
Oh. Well, I would’ve skipped over those few sentences too. Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. They were shit anyway.

Chapter Four: Mark of Exclamation

The next day, I met Naruto again, and the first thing I did was run up to him and give him a big (very manly, of course) HUG. Why? Because he’s Naruto… duh!

I had to spend the rest of the day cleaning hair off my clothes. I think he must’ve been moulting.

Chapter Five: Clean, and wondering why you’re still reading this.

The day after, following several hours of rigorous exercise trying to clean my clothes with the only item I could find in my house – a sticky jar of maple syrup – I was clean. And anyone that I hugged (maybe even Sakura! [Insert more traditional style fanfic ‘OMFG!!!11’ here]) would surely find themselves stuck to me. That had to be a plus.

Well, so I thought. But then guess who I ran into? It was only tubby old Jabba the Hut, in animé form! (Literally… I ran into him.) I might’ve bounced off his rather… well… rotund belly, except I was so damn sticky. I guess next time, I shouldn’t use a sticky jar of maple syrup to clean my clothes.

Throughout the day, he was stuck to me. I even had to try going to the loo with him stuck to my chest – not easy. Anyway, eventually I managed to persuade him to eat my shirt in order to free himself. Of course, I realized after that I could have simply taken the shirt off but, hey… I’m no genius. I like writing bad animé fanfics.

Chapter Six: Yeah, I said it. I went there.

That’s right. All people that write fanfics are stupid, unintelligent morons who need to get a life. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE. Well, except for me. I’m not.

See, the only reason that people write fan fiction is because they envy my talent and want to copy it. I actually created the genre. I copyrighted it, but the internet pirates took it away on their ship and left me out to drown at sea. And look at me now. Making up stories about Naruto.

L OH EMM GEEEEE LYF SUXXX!!!!111111

… HAY, I NO, ILL WRITE SUM FANFICZ!!!!111

=* deep_breath *=

Here goes…

Chapter Seven: Fangstfic (see what I did there?!)

The wind was howling softly several nights ago. The tip tapping of the rain against a cool, harsh window pane wasn’t enough to stir Naruto from his deep, dark dreams. The rain dribbled down the window, sniffling and snuffling it’s way to the ledge underneath. And there, it settled, cold blue water. Ice cold.

Naruto dreamt of Sakura. He dreamt of her running away from him, disappearing into the mist. He dreamt of returning home, slicing his wrists in writhing agony. She was gone. Gone forever. What had he got left, besides his hair, and annoying Japanese voice?

Nothing. He had nothing left. Bowing his head, he walked out of his dreams and woke up with a gasp.

The rain tapped softly against the cool, harsh window pane. Tears dribbled down Naruto’s cheek, sniffling and snuffling their way to the pillow beneath his sobbing face. And there, they settled, cold blue water. Ice cold.

Chapter Eight: The Dramatic Ending

The next day, Naruto woke up with a pool of tear water on his pillow and a drenched blanket covering over his thoughts. He called Sakura up and said she should un-disappear herself. So she did, appearing at his house at approximately 4.40pm EST.

Then Sasuke appeared and they all had a very nice cup of tea and Naruto showed off these AWESOME pictures of cats on the internet with funny slogans like “Long cat is loooooooooooooooooooooooooong”. Then Sakura went home because she thought Naruto was weird (I would’ve thought the hairy ears would’ve given it away sooner but apparently she was oblivious to that part of Naruto) and then Sasuke and Naruto made gay love. Because that’s obviously likely.

Oh, and then I appeared and joined in.

THE END.

DISCLAIMER: I didn’t actually meet Naruto, Sasuke, or Sakura. Naruto doesn’t actually have hairy ears and isn’t actually actively participating in gay lovin’ with Sasuke (sorry to disappoint). I did no research whatsoever for this fan fiction, because I created the genre so I can say whatever the fuck I want to say in it. I didn’t actually create the genre. Not all fanfiction sucks – just most of it. Life doesn’t actually suck. ‘Fangstfiction’ is copyright nobody, I hope. Use it wherever the hell you like, provided you credit it to me. Yeah, that’s right, I’ll actively be on the lookout for anyone that uses my terrible pun and claims it to be his or hers. I didn’t use the word ‘KAWAIIIIII’ in this piece for good reason… I don’t want to ruin the piece. Obviously. Not all people who write fanfics are actually “stupid, unintelligent morons who need to get a life” – as I’ve already stated, I’m not stupid, unintelligent, or a moron, and I definitely don’t need to get a life. I mean, that’s obvious! The wind wasn’t howling loudly a few nights ago, it was really nice weather, for once. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Jabba don’t actually exist. Jabba didn’t get stuck to my shirt. I didn’t try to clean my clothes using a sticky jar of maple syrup. The cup of tea that Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura had wasn’t, in fact, a “very nice cup of tea” – it was disgusting. Somehow, Sakura (who made it) managed to put salt in instead of sugar. The tea in this fan fiction didn’t actually exist.

Oh, and one final thing: This disclaimer counts for shit.
An entry for the 'Write the worst fanfic possible!' contest.

Hehe. I think the disclaimer says it all. ;p
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Tangerine-Tickle's avatar
This really made me laugh, especially the ever-angstful Chapter Seven. :lmao: